After my recent breakup (and I will eventually stop going on about this, I promise), I felt the urge to watch a favourite film that I had not seen in some time: High Fidelity, starring John Cusack, based on the Nick Hornby novel of the same name. When I first devoured the book, I identified strongly with Rob, the record store owner who could not, for whatever reason, commit to a partner. In the novel and the film, he decides to revisit his past relationships to try to figure out if there is a common thread that leads to him being single.

I recently did a similar exercise; though not as dramatically as in the film, showing up on exes’ doorsteps and so on. I simply wrote down a list of the top 5 characteristics that I remembered from each of my major relationships. What attracted me to these women? What did I remember most about them? What kind of people were they?

It would be indiscreet of me to give details of my findings, but suffice to say that I discovered that all of the women from my past had at least a few characteristics in common, and a couple of those characteristics were issues that I myself also had. These issues were not necessarily deal-breakers, but they could definitely make things difficult.

We Western males live in a world where we are not particularly encouraged to grow up and get serious about anything. We can dress like teenagers well into our thirties and no one will bat an eye. I’m not saying this is a bad thing; there is a lot to be said for maintaining one’s youthful outlook no matter how old one gets.

The problem is when the youthful outlook rests on a bedrock of immaturity. We all have some kind of issue; a button that, when pressed, turns us from a rock-solid adult into a frightened child. No matter how well-dressed we are, no matter what car we drive, no matter how prestigious our job, no matter what totems of success we surround ourselves with, we can all have the emotional equivalent of an Achilles heel.

Maturity is the ability to step back and honestly assess oneself, identify those weaknesses, and take the steps required to heal. Sometimes we only go halfway; we identify the problem and then wear it around like a medical bracelet, without ever making an effort to fix it. We find partners who are in the same place and simply steer around the potholes.

Do yourself a favour and work on filling the potholes instead. The solutions will often be perfectly obvious; the hard part is changing your behaviours and knee-jerk reactions. Do you spend too much? Buy less. Are you insecure? Build your self-esteem. Are you unhealthy? Eat better and exercise.

It may require willpower, and support from friends and family, and you may have setbacks; keep at it, for your own sake and for the sake of those who are trying to love you.